I got another taste.
To be lonely is a habit like smokin' or taking drugs - and I've quit them both. But man, was it rough.
31 May 2009
Acid on my Tongue
Remember that side of toast buttered in unforgiving happiness in December?
I got another taste.
I got another taste.
29 May 2009
Jenny
Our love is simple
Our love is crystal
Simply best: I survive by forgetting. I reach out for the next branch and lift myself upwards, and ensure my safety, my endurance, my survival. But I refuse to forget this - I cannot fathom forgetting these memories that I cannot, will not let go.
I think time moves faster on this either side. Here, I spend my energy forgetting, rather than holding on and remembering.
This may be the hardest walk I'll make, and perhaps months or years down the line, time will take away my memory bit by bit, and I will reluctantly let go.
I don't think I'll ever stop loving you; I can forget, and still have that delicate part of me, this love.
God, wasn't I your silver lining?
Our love is crystal
Simply best: I survive by forgetting. I reach out for the next branch and lift myself upwards, and ensure my safety, my endurance, my survival. But I refuse to forget this - I cannot fathom forgetting these memories that I cannot, will not let go.
I think time moves faster on this either side. Here, I spend my energy forgetting, rather than holding on and remembering.
This may be the hardest walk I'll make, and perhaps months or years down the line, time will take away my memory bit by bit, and I will reluctantly let go.
I don't think I'll ever stop loving you; I can forget, and still have that delicate part of me, this love.
God, wasn't I your silver lining?
27 May 2009
26 May 2009
The Cats
It's after the Zombie read.
I come back home and hang out with my roommate and our Los Gatos friends.
I'm finally happy enough about hanging out in my apartment smoking and drinking and finally just enjoying ourselves.
It was strange to have that group of friends - I've been used to San Francisco so long, I've forgotten that our favorite topics of conversation back home is complaining about the rich people who lived in our town (and surrounding areas i.e. Saratoga Hills).
We knew ridiculously rich people who were famous, "my friends' parents are with old money" - and they talk about their summer homes and timeshares in Beverley Hills and San Diego and all the people they knew. Their uncle's house was the shooting site for American Beauty. They were paid sixty grand so the set could move in and use their house for three months. Crazy shit - and we were something in the middle of the rich dipshits and the underprivileged. I guess I was of the lower end of that. Our Los Gatos friends are going to Northwestern and Marquette. Famous professional sports athletes live in our neighborhoods. A guy living down the street who wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Steven Spielberg's birthplace and first amateur sets was the next town over. It's so strange to be where I am, almost destitute, going to a less than reputable school, to have grown up and raised in a town such as this magnitude. What a mind compressor.
Back when we did coke, took cruises, and bought chemicals from Canada.
I come back home and hang out with my roommate and our Los Gatos friends.
I'm finally happy enough about hanging out in my apartment smoking and drinking and finally just enjoying ourselves.
It was strange to have that group of friends - I've been used to San Francisco so long, I've forgotten that our favorite topics of conversation back home is complaining about the rich people who lived in our town (and surrounding areas i.e. Saratoga Hills).
We knew ridiculously rich people who were famous, "my friends' parents are with old money" - and they talk about their summer homes and timeshares in Beverley Hills and San Diego and all the people they knew. Their uncle's house was the shooting site for American Beauty. They were paid sixty grand so the set could move in and use their house for three months. Crazy shit - and we were something in the middle of the rich dipshits and the underprivileged. I guess I was of the lower end of that. Our Los Gatos friends are going to Northwestern and Marquette. Famous professional sports athletes live in our neighborhoods. A guy living down the street who wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Steven Spielberg's birthplace and first amateur sets was the next town over. It's so strange to be where I am, almost destitute, going to a less than reputable school, to have grown up and raised in a town such as this magnitude. What a mind compressor.
Back when we did coke, took cruises, and bought chemicals from Canada.
24 May 2009
23 May 2009
How to be a Masochist
You claim to care about those you love.
But you continue to seek hurting yourself, and only you.
You never directly hurt those loved ones.
And it's simple - who's to say that they love you back?
But you continue to seek hurting yourself, and only you.
You never directly hurt those loved ones.
And it's simple - who's to say that they love you back?
22 May 2009
Indian Music Next Door
Bill Peters has dumped me in a bucket of cold water, pulled me out sputtering and wet, and wrung me out until I laid wrinkled and drying in the sun.
I need to write sing laugh dance dream dream dream on these visions on what I want we want sunshine life.
I need to write sing laugh dance dream dream dream on these visions on what I want we want sunshine life.
18 May 2009
close listenings
I'm in love with Garrett Morrison.
...My British Literature teacher's assistant whose blog I'm freakishly now following.
(By the way, I need to go back to writing my 2.5 papers and studying for my finals.)
SO INFATUATED.
...My British Literature teacher's assistant whose blog I'm freakishly now following.
(By the way, I need to go back to writing my 2.5 papers and studying for my finals.)
SO INFATUATED.
16 May 2009
Let's Talk About Spaceships
I'm going to rip my hair out from all of this stress.
No lie - papers, finals, Brown Bag, graduation, moving, friends/lovers - yow!
No lie - papers, finals, Brown Bag, graduation, moving, friends/lovers - yow!
15 May 2009
Used Conceits Productions
Before I go insane, I need to list what I need to do before I graduate:
- type up exit interview paper
- take structure of English final
- get acquainted with Brown Bag company
- get a job
- cut my hair & get a facial & pedi/manicure
- set up living room in the new apartment
- cast Brown Bag
- schedule actors and rehearse & memorize them (email scripts)
- rehearse for graduation
- sit-in on Tuesday
- write poetry paper
- write American drama paper
- take American drama final
- go to the bank and work on Zombie
- don't freak out about graduation
- walk across the stage
14 May 2009
13 May 2009
11 May 2009
Per Request, Classical Monologue
Idealists can generally go two separate ways:
Steadfast to their views of an ideal society, they'd either embody said ideals through applying them with all of their energies into their surroundings, say, one with economical means like Princess Diana, or one backed with the basis of a religious institution and an extremely large heart, like Mother Theresa. Those without those means of the like attempt and fail, and because they cannot surrender their beliefs, they stand at the brink of insanity. They become trapped in the a world of their choosing. Like Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire: "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."
Then there are the rest of the idealists, better known as the pessimists and the cynics. I feel like most people who are unsatisfied with society and systems are the pessimists, and I'm using the world liberally. They want to see the change, and perhaps have hope for this change, but they either don't know exactly how to invoke this change and/or aren't certain as to what kind of change is needed. The cynics and the deadbeats have faith in perhaps only themselves, if that. And though they have the ideals of naivety still fluttering in their ribcage, they're no longer holding out. They're the cold ones.
I think the best way to exemplify this is romantically. Idealists who are steadfast to their beliefs in this world, are either unusually lucky if they find love and are able to keep them, but the rest of them are alone, and constantly, hopelessly searching. Fallen idealists sometimes cling to what they had hoped for, and failing, they become bitter and scathing to the idealized romance. To the point of even renouncing them.
It's a generalized theory. And for that, I feel like many of us are idealists, because so many of us are dissatisfied. The rest who are content are either blind or uncaring, and if they hope for more, they are the saplings of idealists who will not necessarily ever hope for too much.
Steadfast to their views of an ideal society, they'd either embody said ideals through applying them with all of their energies into their surroundings, say, one with economical means like Princess Diana, or one backed with the basis of a religious institution and an extremely large heart, like Mother Theresa. Those without those means of the like attempt and fail, and because they cannot surrender their beliefs, they stand at the brink of insanity. They become trapped in the a world of their choosing. Like Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire: "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."
Then there are the rest of the idealists, better known as the pessimists and the cynics. I feel like most people who are unsatisfied with society and systems are the pessimists, and I'm using the world liberally. They want to see the change, and perhaps have hope for this change, but they either don't know exactly how to invoke this change and/or aren't certain as to what kind of change is needed. The cynics and the deadbeats have faith in perhaps only themselves, if that. And though they have the ideals of naivety still fluttering in their ribcage, they're no longer holding out. They're the cold ones.
I think the best way to exemplify this is romantically. Idealists who are steadfast to their beliefs in this world, are either unusually lucky if they find love and are able to keep them, but the rest of them are alone, and constantly, hopelessly searching. Fallen idealists sometimes cling to what they had hoped for, and failing, they become bitter and scathing to the idealized romance. To the point of even renouncing them.
It's a generalized theory. And for that, I feel like many of us are idealists, because so many of us are dissatisfied. The rest who are content are either blind or uncaring, and if they hope for more, they are the saplings of idealists who will not necessarily ever hope for too much.
10 May 2009
Why Throw a Circle 'Round a Man with Broken Bones?
Mothers leases allergies brothers nostalgia lovers uncertainty willingness binders zombies elderly finance venture woodsy transitory summer hope youth breath confines cubes sneezes skin spotlight silence sunlight juice albums toenails orange moon shipwrecks stealth disturbing radio quests sneakers paint ceremony economy breathe breathe breathe.
07 May 2009
Home Sweet Home
We found a beautiful two-bedroom apartment in the West Portal area. It includes an assigned garage parking spot for one vehicle, a storage closet on the bottom floor, and coin-operated laundry machines within the building. It seems that there's always parking on the street otherwise, (we've decided that whoever has the latest schedule that night can have the garage spot), and we're down the street from Safeway and a light stroll from the West Portal strip / MUNI station.
It's located on the top floor overlooking the front through gorgeous large windows.
This is the view of the dining area as seen from the kitchen. The window overlooks the front of the building (on the same plane as the living room.)
A view of Taraval St. and 14th Ave. from the living room.
Looking down the hallway leading into the apartment out the door. From the entrance door, there is a linen closet to the immediate right, and a coat closet with an additional utilities (vacuum cleaner, mop) space on the left. The hallway on the left leads to the bathrooms and bedroom, the right leads directly to the second smaller bedroom, and on the left closest to the camera is another storage/shelving closet.
I'd fancy that little closet could hold cleaning supplies, and extra tissue boxes... and the like. Oh, how my mind wonders.
This is a corner of the living room. On the corner of the shot, there's the second bedroom. Against this living room wall, I'd imagine the TV / sound system / video game consoles shall live for common area living. Ohh, Baby.
The gateway between the living room and dining area.
Expansive views of the living room. I think I exaggerated when I said this was bigger than the Lindsay-Ben-Sam living room. But it LOOKS so big!
The other side of the living room. I feel like this area can be divided up with half-bookshelves (that I own) and can house a circle of book shelves containing movies/books/media and the like. And I can set up my turntable and sound system. And set up an armchair or two. It'll be a mini-library/study!
This is the second bedroom. I call it the second, because it's like a square foot smaller than the other bedroom (you hardly notice it). I think it's roughly 12 by 11. The window here leads to the fire escape, which looks like it would be a personal escape for me. Power outlets look plentiful, ceiling fixtures have great lighting.
The second bedroom's closet. It's so beautiful. Tears.
Another view of the fire escape!
Coat closet.
Linen closet.
The second bathroom that is right next to the first. It's a half bathroom, and is designated pretty-girl area, i.e. make-up/hair room.
The actual bathroom. Bathtub (with a support bar), and plenty of counter space. Alleluia!
The first bedroom. The window faces East like the window in the other bedroom, so plenty of sunlight. 13 by 12.
I think the sliding doors to the closet of this bedroom have mirrors. Frowns.
Hallway leading up to the 1.5 bathrooms and first bedroom (so weird).
The break-down: Rent is $1750 for the entire apartment, which means it's $875 on our half (I'll pay $440).
Utilities look like it's about $50/person. Drewbie and I are Comcast friendlies, but it shouldn't be much more. We have a lot of the common area furnishings: dining table set, sofa, entertainment set, router. There are little things, but it looks like we'll take care of it (like the microwave, and I personally need little pieces of furniture).
The building is extremely clean. Entering the building, the first thing you see is a pretty, marble-esque hall. Walking up the stairways, each landing has a little oriental-decorated piece of furniture. Both Drewbie and I believe in clean common living spaces, though we are pretty laid back. We study hard, play hard. We like being big stupid dorks and enjoy occasional evenings with wine, Scrabble, and laughing for no damn reason. My personal space usually looks like little orbs of "organization," but I don't let things get out of hand. I'm amiable to lots of things, like smoking and such. Drewbie isn't so much, in particular, but he doesn't oppose to smoking in the house as long as he can't smell it. We usually reconcile with Taco Bell.
Ah, this will be fun times.
It's located on the top floor overlooking the front through gorgeous large windows.
This is the view of the dining area as seen from the kitchen. The window overlooks the front of the building (on the same plane as the living room.)
This is Drewbie (my loverrr) in the kitchen. He's delighted. (And in half of these pictures.) All of the cabinets have been recently been painted over with white enamel. The dishwasher and the refrigerator are relatively new, and the owner expressed a possibility of replacing the entire stove unit (!). The cabinets look deep and can hold a lot. I also have metal shelving that will help with a pantry load (dry foods, i.e. bread and pasta).
A view of Taraval St. and 14th Ave. from the living room.
Looking down the hallway leading into the apartment out the door. From the entrance door, there is a linen closet to the immediate right, and a coat closet with an additional utilities (vacuum cleaner, mop) space on the left. The hallway on the left leads to the bathrooms and bedroom, the right leads directly to the second smaller bedroom, and on the left closest to the camera is another storage/shelving closet.
I'd fancy that little closet could hold cleaning supplies, and extra tissue boxes... and the like. Oh, how my mind wonders.
This is a corner of the living room. On the corner of the shot, there's the second bedroom. Against this living room wall, I'd imagine the TV / sound system / video game consoles shall live for common area living. Ohh, Baby.
The gateway between the living room and dining area.
Expansive views of the living room. I think I exaggerated when I said this was bigger than the Lindsay-Ben-Sam living room. But it LOOKS so big!
The other side of the living room. I feel like this area can be divided up with half-bookshelves (that I own) and can house a circle of book shelves containing movies/books/media and the like. And I can set up my turntable and sound system. And set up an armchair or two. It'll be a mini-library/study!
This is the second bedroom. I call it the second, because it's like a square foot smaller than the other bedroom (you hardly notice it). I think it's roughly 12 by 11. The window here leads to the fire escape, which looks like it would be a personal escape for me. Power outlets look plentiful, ceiling fixtures have great lighting.
The second bedroom's closet. It's so beautiful. Tears.
Another view of the fire escape!
Coat closet.
Linen closet.
The second bathroom that is right next to the first. It's a half bathroom, and is designated pretty-girl area, i.e. make-up/hair room.
The actual bathroom. Bathtub (with a support bar), and plenty of counter space. Alleluia!
The first bedroom. The window faces East like the window in the other bedroom, so plenty of sunlight. 13 by 12.
I think the sliding doors to the closet of this bedroom have mirrors. Frowns.
Hallway leading up to the 1.5 bathrooms and first bedroom (so weird).The break-down: Rent is $1750 for the entire apartment, which means it's $875 on our half (I'll pay $440).
Utilities look like it's about $50/person. Drewbie and I are Comcast friendlies, but it shouldn't be much more. We have a lot of the common area furnishings: dining table set, sofa, entertainment set, router. There are little things, but it looks like we'll take care of it (like the microwave, and I personally need little pieces of furniture).
The building is extremely clean. Entering the building, the first thing you see is a pretty, marble-esque hall. Walking up the stairways, each landing has a little oriental-decorated piece of furniture. Both Drewbie and I believe in clean common living spaces, though we are pretty laid back. We study hard, play hard. We like being big stupid dorks and enjoy occasional evenings with wine, Scrabble, and laughing for no damn reason. My personal space usually looks like little orbs of "organization," but I don't let things get out of hand. I'm amiable to lots of things, like smoking and such. Drewbie isn't so much, in particular, but he doesn't oppose to smoking in the house as long as he can't smell it. We usually reconcile with Taco Bell.
Ah, this will be fun times.
05 May 2009
Go, Patrick Swayze
Well, well. Let's get busy being happy, why don't we?
And here, we are coaxed out of our senses.
And here, we are coaxed out of our senses.
03 May 2009
Pearl Harbor
Aging, living, older - I progressively lose the ability to relate to others.
Tonight was a joyous tragedy. Maybe I'm overcoming my fear of being alone.
Tonight was a joyous tragedy. Maybe I'm overcoming my fear of being alone.
02 May 2009
01 May 2009
Vanderslice
Rainy days can equate to happiness, which will also bring on constant memories of hot kidney beans and tofu, and other amazingly comforting things that I associate with rain. On this particular day, rainy days can also be construed as depressing. The date, particularly, reminds me of this double slap of Thao and Jonathan. I guess if I was still living at 821 Pine Street, we'd be celebrating our third anniversary. That in itself, is a scary thought. Though I'm not inclined to feel self-pity, the sequential loss of my dad's job is going to present itself a rough one - for this day, today, a rainy day.
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