Welcome to the Deconstruction Era.
Watch your step, it's a drop.
28 August 2010
Co-Dark
Dear Boy,
Even until this day, when I attempt to surround myself a community who will Hear me, you are the only person who knows this darkness, sees when I feel it. And you never question it. Never try to comprehend it. But you are not Here to hear me.
Remembering,
Girl
Even until this day, when I attempt to surround myself a community who will Hear me, you are the only person who knows this darkness, sees when I feel it. And you never question it. Never try to comprehend it. But you are not Here to hear me.
Remembering,
Girl
Charting Course
This want for more with you
I'm angry at myself,
because it disables me from enjoying
you as you are, we as we are
At first, I made excuses
That you weren't capable
of extreme closeness, emotions,
of exclusive partnership
It is not you, as you are not Me
Even though you never made
my longing an unwanted
Even though you tried to receive
I could not feel you
acknowledging that this
these feelings are my Desire
So I bottled up the wanting
and I turned against them
Longing became toxin in my blood
for I attacked myself
The Longing is myself I now know
I told myself
that I am unworthy of you
Who am I to want something
such as Partnership with you?
I am not spiritual enough
or communicate well enough
is beautiful enough
healthy, emotionally and physically
not enough not enough
and so my Longing
became my enemy
and I shadowed my self-worth
with this attack of shame
and the deflation of personal value
This is not the first time
I have lost confidence
over a man, a man who could not reciprocate
Because I could not value myself
the man that I so wanted and thought loved
could not value and love me
I now Long to be free of wanting you. I now Long to be free, and wanting of myself.
I'm angry at myself,
because it disables me from enjoying
you as you are, we as we are
At first, I made excuses
That you weren't capable
of extreme closeness, emotions,
of exclusive partnership
It is not you, as you are not Me
Even though you never made
my longing an unwanted
Even though you tried to receive
I could not feel you
acknowledging that this
these feelings are my Desire
So I bottled up the wanting
and I turned against them
Longing became toxin in my blood
for I attacked myself
The Longing is myself I now know
I told myself
that I am unworthy of you
Who am I to want something
such as Partnership with you?
I am not spiritual enough
or communicate well enough
is beautiful enough
healthy, emotionally and physically
not enough not enough
and so my Longing
became my enemy
and I shadowed my self-worth
with this attack of shame
and the deflation of personal value
This is not the first time
I have lost confidence
over a man, a man who could not reciprocate
Because I could not value myself
the man that I so wanted and thought loved
could not value and love me
I now Long to be free of wanting you. I now Long to be free, and wanting of myself.
26 August 2010
A Call for Support
Dear Cindy,
In this upcoming week, I am taking time off from work, family, and my usual daily life. I don't know what the week will look like, what I will do, or where I will be. I am making no plans. Not anticipating results. I hope that this break will give me the freedom to just be with what is. To be with the anxiety that arises from being alone. The shame of not working towards doing or being something 'better.' To not latch onto some kind of busywork in order to distract myself. To sit with trauma and to reconcile its truths. To dissociate my identity from what I do or who I relate to. To seek community. To openly want love and closeness. To exercise my friendship in asking that you support me - that in sending you this message today, I make this request: if and when I am in need during this week, may it come in the form of a phone call or a few hours of company or even to sit with my emotional landscape, that you can be open to just Be with me. If you have any objections to this or have limits that you want acknowledged, please tell me. You're on my list of Support.
Much thanks,
Cindy
In this upcoming week, I am taking time off from work, family, and my usual daily life. I don't know what the week will look like, what I will do, or where I will be. I am making no plans. Not anticipating results. I hope that this break will give me the freedom to just be with what is. To be with the anxiety that arises from being alone. The shame of not working towards doing or being something 'better.' To not latch onto some kind of busywork in order to distract myself. To sit with trauma and to reconcile its truths. To dissociate my identity from what I do or who I relate to. To seek community. To openly want love and closeness. To exercise my friendship in asking that you support me - that in sending you this message today, I make this request: if and when I am in need during this week, may it come in the form of a phone call or a few hours of company or even to sit with my emotional landscape, that you can be open to just Be with me. If you have any objections to this or have limits that you want acknowledged, please tell me. You're on my list of Support.
Much thanks,
Cindy
25 August 2010
Disarm You in the Morning
Why did I take the necessary steps to make my heart hurt?
I was content looking forward to seeing him
loving him, appreciating him tonight.
Then my curiosity got the best of me.
Why am I hurting myself like this - the jealousy,
the comparison, the loss of me feeling special -
even if I'm learning that that isn't the case.
This mold is made for a stronger woman than I.
I was content looking forward to seeing him
loving him, appreciating him tonight.
Then my curiosity got the best of me.
Why am I hurting myself like this - the jealousy,
the comparison, the loss of me feeling special -
even if I'm learning that that isn't the case.
This mold is made for a stronger woman than I.
22 August 2010
Riddle Me Lover
My fear makes me imagine that you don't care about all of this. That you have other lovers, and I'm not particularly of any significance. My fear makes me imagine that you won't ever address this message or even want to see me when you get back. My fear makes me a fool, and as much as it hurts to be vulnerable, I need to practice engaging in my hurt as much as I engage in my tenderness and joy.
21 August 2010
bedside journals
Inside
there is a Darkness
that will swallow me whole
Draw me out
Please
Don't leave me alone
I will find Light in the orbs of your eyes
there is a Darkness
that will swallow me whole
Draw me out
Please
Don't leave me alone
I will find Light in the orbs of your eyes
19 August 2010
Winter in August
I'm feeling the strike of being alone.
This is an attack of immeasurable darkness.
It's familiar and I'm scared.
I'm asking, I'm wanting: Support, please.
This is an attack of immeasurable darkness.
It's familiar and I'm scared.
I'm asking, I'm wanting: Support, please.
17 August 2010
You're Not Tragic Enough!
So,... you're ready to fall in love?
I'm the romantic type.
What are you doing spending time not getting what you want?
I'm the romantic type.
What are you doing spending time not getting what you want?
11 August 2010
10 August 2010
04 August 2010
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