Friends of the Heart

Thank you -

for revealing moments when I am not being
and appreciating me when I am -

Metal turns, the rubber burns -
I feel essences of light traveling,
being uplifted by the City of Angels.

Sentimentality is not Shameful

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

- Kahlil Gibran

Today's Tarot

Is imitation truly the sincerest form of flattery?

If we are imitating God, who in essence, is the Divine - ourselves, creators, are we reaching for the heights? Is it ourselves that we are uplifting, a worship, an appreciation for the human spirit, our experience?

Deep Impact-ing

When you consider the inevitability of death, after which we may well go out like a candle flame, then it probably doesn’t matter if we are awkward sometimes, care for another too deeply, are excessively curious about nature, are too open to experience, or enjoy a non-stop expanse of the senses in an effort to know life intimately and lovingly. It probably doesn’t matter if we sometimes look clumsy or get dirty or ask stupid questions or reveal our ignorance or say the wrong thing or light up with wonder like the children that we all are.

- Diane Ackerman

Keli Love

I want to be open with you as well, I feel myself adoring you.

love.

I'm ecstatic - completely ecstatic that I can accept someone adoring me.
Next question: WHO AM I??? = happiness!

Guilty of This

Because they have doubts about their identity, they tend to play "hide and seek" with others - hiding from people, but hoping that their absence will be noticed.

- The Wisdom of the Enneagram; Type Four: The Individualist

Relating to so many sad truths all over!


***

WIN! This type fosters personal creativity! "This is why so many playwrights, poets, and novelists are Fours."

Mind Poop now at 2:22 for Poor Souls

I think I resent people for my own pain, and I don't want to be resentful. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I don't want to be self-pitying.

I don't want to be toxic to myself or others.

I don't want to be here, Bryan. This bitterness, this darkness. I feel bad that I'm asking you for help - by reading - by pitying?? - no, not pitying - something - so I can be heard, but I feel like you're one of the few people who can stand me.

I'm hurting so much right now. I feel alone - and unwanted - and scared that this is loneliness, because it visits more often now, and I like being alone as much as I don't like "loneliness." I know that, right now, I feel better just by writing to you. Does that mean much? Is this okay? I also hate the fact that I always want to know if what I do is okay, because as soon as I start thinking it's "okay," - like, "is it okay if I tell you how I feel in this moment" - I get the slap on the hand telling me that it's not. Tonight I think I was made to feel that it's not okay to fall in my head, and I've known that, but I was severely confronted for it, and now I'm feeling that I'm not okay with that kind of head-on, angry, offended and defensive, name-calling, swearing, rough and raw language. Is that what it is? I'm just hurt by "tone?" No, I'm personally hurt. I don't know what this is!

I was silent, but I wanted to scream, There is no more room inside me to WITHHOLD!

But I can't trust anyone, least of all me, to relieve this. "But I just wanted to tell you - that - I'm - hurt" I wanted to tell my scene partner.

There was something you said - after my panic attack that night where I felt half the room put their hands on me with so much love, and as Breann told me later - understanding - when I looked at Aurash and saw tears in his eyes, and my heart went out to him as his was with me - and you said that this was the result of our upbringing.

[omit]

I was right to realize that working creatively and feeling so much was my happiness. Now I need to admit that there are other things that I - want? - need? - in order to be connected and happy. I'm trying to grow myself to be at that place when I'm balanced or depressed. Now I want to send this quote to Aurash and see if he relates. I selfishly want him to. Is that selfish? I feel like I'm really selfish. What I need to talk to you about later is really selfish, and it's going to be hard for me to talk about. I always feel like I confront a lot of things that need to be said to you, but as soon as I work up the courage to actually communicate those things to you, something in me diffuses them, and the hot air balloon of words to say to you turn into a gushed-out, deflated water pouch. Like I need to protect you from me - no, more like because I don't want you to hate me, or be disgusted by me - or develop distance. I don't like that about myself. I want more courage - like the tigress impression that some expressed to me at Friday's party.

I want someone to hit me with as much emotion as I generate.

Because I still feel alone. On the other side of the fence. The other kids play hahaha on the other side, hahaha they cry; and I can't even start with the first ha! let alone --- no, this is self-pitying. I hate myself when I am here. I need to stop it.

I romanticize my depression. I romanticize my profoundness.
I'm neurotic.
I'm too sensitive.
I'm too fearful.
I work too hard on myself. I don't work enough.
Women don't open up to me. I open my mouth - ah... er... mm. It's already hard enough... am I being insincere? Then they feel insincere. Ah. Er. Erm. No. Those hurt. But men hurt too. I always try to calibrate balance with men, but it's like tipping over a tree that isn't rooted, tip too far and he'll let you drop, tip too little and he won't notice, try to show how you feel... no, still nothing.
This is ridiculous. I can't see you reading this far.
I'm wanting a cap this out-pour - I'm physically exhausted.

With endless gratitude, good night.