Charting Course

This want for more with you
I'm angry at myself,
because it disables me from enjoying
you as you are, we as we are
At first, I made excuses
That you weren't capable
of extreme closeness, emotions,
of exclusive partnership
It is not you, as you are not Me
Even though you never made
my longing an unwanted
Even though you tried to receive
I could not feel you
acknowledging that this
these feelings are my Desire
So I bottled up the wanting
and I turned against them
Longing became toxin in my blood
for I attacked myself
The Longing is myself I now know
I told myself
that I am unworthy of you
Who am I to want something
such as Partnership with you?
I am not spiritual enough
or communicate well enough
is beautiful enough
healthy, emotionally and physically
not enough not enough
and so my Longing
became my enemy
and I shadowed my self-worth
with this attack of shame
and the deflation of personal value
This is not the first time
I have lost confidence
over a man, a man who could not reciprocate
Because I could not value myself
the man that I so wanted and thought loved
could not value and love me

I now Long to be free of wanting you. I now Long to be free, and wanting of myself.