I'm discovering loneliness again.
I found it in the pumpkin patches,
the season that allows me to see my breath in chilled air
scarves and hats with tassels at the ears;
I see couples hand in hand, children at play -
welcoming the festivity into their lives.
And I'm finding myself... feeling alone.
That I don't have a friend who will pick out pumpkins with me.
Or laugh with me as we dive into fallen orange leaves,
giggling as we hold each other, feeling celebration in our stomachs.
Last year, I spent my holidays with Charlotte. Halloween, dressed up and drinking on the bus, sprinting through the city. My birthday, which always sits closely by Thanksgiving. Buying presents.
This year, I'm ironically not close with anyone anymore. Not terribly close, I mean. I've grown more sensitive and expressive and happier. I greatly desire my community home - I can just do all of these holiday activities with the friends living with me. Why can't I just ask them now? Is it the physical distance that scares me, or the fear that no one will have the time and space for me?
Will I be able to ask you to spend seasons with me?
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