Remember I can Write better than I can Speak

Bristling at your very words.

When you said that you didn't trust me
to contain my emotions,
I believed you.

I'm hurt that you said that -

Since it seems
that the only person who should acknowledge that I'm hurt
is me.

I suppose
I had never expected anyone
to take the brunt force
of my feeling.

Only that
secretly
or not so secretly
I want someone to take care of me.

To hold me -
to tell me that they understand -
to tell me that I'm not alone -
and to tell me that they are here for me.

There have been moments
pure solid moments
in my life when I have received this.

The volatility melts away.
I am cleansed in the purity of everything that I feel.

And nothing - not one word,
one breath, a single heart beat
is a lie.

When you said you couldn't trust me,
I felt like you accused me of lying.

I know that this is a filter that is my shame
that created this accusing tone.

Processing this
I understand
how I sorely want to be heard,
seen, felt.

In order to do so,
I cry harder.

I can see how that's difficult for you to accept.

You hide even though you sorely want
to be heard
to be seen
to be felt.

I hide too, but under the guise of a monsoon -
aggravating against the earth to let it know
that I EXIST.

Perhaps this is the mirror that we see in the both of us -
the want to be fully ourselves,
our truthful selves -
except we use different trickery and egos

and that's what makes us "different."

But I whispered in the dark,
"we are both trying."

And you agreed.

But your turning me away

hurts

a lot.

I want to accept this
without
shame.