Check-Ups for Sailors

I'm so disoriented. Mornings are the only time that makes sense to me, because I automatically wake at 7:30, every day. But throughout the rest of the day, this nausea and exhaustion and depression, my inconsistent naps that moves my day, the shifting of how I relate to people - I'm really spun around. Not only once, but over and over. Disorientation. Sleep greatly affects me; it seems that most of my day and all of my night are conquered by my sleeping. Vivid dreams, waking up often, going back to sleep almost as often, just sleep just sleep just sleep. My appetite is shallow but always present, possibly the most physically coherent quality that I possess at this time. And God, people. Even my family doesn't seem consistent to me. Today, my dad seems overbearing and my brothers are sympathetic. I think it's because they understand the seriousness of my conditions. Both are unusual. My mom, who is inconsistent the way that I am inconsistent, is a comfort in who she is. I am constantly in fear of losing her. I've succumbed to a distrust of my conditions, and thereby can hardly trust myself or in others. Lately I've approached this trust-situation fairly oddly - I've attacked some of my friends, reached paramount conclusions marinated in paranoia about how most of them feel about me, and instead of becoming detached, I've become much more intangible in my relations: provocative, completely different. I've become bolder, queer in the sense that I miraculously can make connections to every single one of them precociously and without effort, and even with the volume of new friends I have made and new bonds I have made with older friends, have little to no interest in any single one of them. A cocoon of preoccupation. I was given a precious time and situation to reinvent myself in these ways, I think, thanks to "graduation" and summer and making a great number of new friends. So I guess my physical incapacitation (just by being completely different) and mental layering and identifying has left me with no perception of time and almost a third person objective now that I'm trying to recognize my world. I had always readily accepted change and has exulted in it, but now I'm frightened by the world that I better understand, that there are a lot to be pained and wary about. My housewarming came at the worst time, the nadir of my physical distress and formidable mental cage that I've made from the world, which was easily made from battling exhaustion. Those who came, I had formed relations with or started to form new ones. I was overwhelmed and sickened. I wanted to be alone. At the party, I feared that a social capacity in me was failing, and that also sent me in a further despairing note. And here, two days later, I'm still trying to map it out, blog it out (a social extension to whoever do read me), and eventually understand enough to turn the currents. Not necessarily stop the change. I can't stop most of it. But at least know it well, so that I may no longer be afraid.