The best example: human connection is very important to me. I attract those who feel wildly-intensely-sensitively, and those who are susceptible to my intricate emotions are attracted to me, which can be as much trouble as it is beautiful. Recently, I've come across a friend of a friend who doesn't express his emotions very often, and when he does try to talk about how/where he is, he cannot combine the words to do so. I don't think it's because he lacks eloquence. I think he lacks the ability to form his experiences into words. His eloquence lies in another medium. Then again, because I can't reach his well of thought, I cannot completely pick up Who he is. I don't doubt that without our circumstance, that we would be any better friends than acquaintances for my want of above human connection. We speak in different languages: as a man, he speaks in the language of information, facts, knowledge. I talk about internal plagues. Completely separate tongues separated by gender. However, because of the forced situation, in the vicinity of our unusual friendship, I've developed a fascination for the Thoughts that lay hidden, that whenever he says, "I don't know," when I read aloud his horoscope, when he tells me that he cannot put how he feels about philosophy, religion, and the Self into words. I guess I would be able to make it into a small goal to foster an ability out of this friend into verbal expression. But I feel like if he innately uses the expression elsewhere - into work, focused self-discovery - then my efforts would be useless.
In any case, I find that my best human connections are usually brought about by my own injections of expression. And ultimately, if I can appreciate all expressions of change, I am already content with most people.
Now, are all like this? Those who can express are artists - seeing change - and being able to place it externally into words, forms, images, art? And there are those who express change, seeing the larger picture, into global companies, medicine, communities - through actual change, work? And how do you calculate that expression of change, of life - not by paychecks - Donald Trump makes more in a month than I will for a fraction of my adult life. And here, the equation has changed. We're searching for an affection of change on others, as opposed to how we, as individuals, take in change. Producing versus consuming.
So returning to my original examination of the change equation: if you lack the means of expression, and do not necessarily possess the capability to self-reflect and assume awareness of change, thereby continue without noticing the rate of change, (without significant events occurring), does that mean the equation have a slower rate of change (with variable Perception, since Change is constant)? And those with seemingly life-altering occurrences every so often - like me - have a higher number. This is without the calculation of Experience, considering that those with very little life experience can still feel intricately (returning to Emotion).
Then again, just the idea that would put something so infinitely vast in variables as uncontrollable as Life is a foolish idea.
She looks at him... she looks at him... she looks at him.
I can't blow raspberries at myself, except through a reflection. But the reflection is false. See? I am the epitome of useless Asian logic.
written 21 January 2009
We over analyze, we sympathize. We lose ourselves when we look into a woman’s eyes and see those dots. Those, dots that sparkle, sparkle and shine. You know those spots that I’m talking about. I’m talking about those small, shiny, sparkling little dots that reside in and or around the center of her eye. A little sun ray, peeking over to start a new day and say , hey, senorita, how would you like to go out for a cup of coffee, or to a movie, or to just say fuck me now and fuck me hard. Well those little dots, as I have been calling them, well those dots they just spread the wings and wrap themselves around the cornea and set erotic stimulation throughout my entire body, I’m talking about sensations I’ve never seen before, I’m talking bout seashell sounds combined with the feeling of Jello in your toes. Macaroni and Cheese jam. I’m talking about flying up in space in a Jacuzzi with three Japanese girls and guy named Bob. But, once they do let go of my cornea, and my sensations return to their somewhat logical selves, I have to stop and take a moment to realize what just happened. And in that moment I miss your gaze, and you just gracefully slip on by. Out of my life.
The next thought to run through my head, after all the dead brain cells that had collapsed due to your presence do come back to life, my next thought is how I have forever changed. I was a way a minute ago and now I am different. That moment changed my life. But how much? Is this a relevant change? If this didn’t happen, then how different would my life really be? What outlooks, what perspectives, what emotions have been altered permanently? And how big of a change was it? Can I have bigger? Can I have less? I want to measure change. I want an equation, a formula, that I can put numbers into taken from a graph with a clear and direct key, and I can get a percentage, and amount of change that had occurred. God damnit I want to know if I’ve been productive.
So how do you create this formula. Well, a formula, like all formulas, has variables. X=change. But there’s degrees. What degrees? What shapes it. Emotion. E = emotion. XE. What else? Age. A=age. XEA, but is it really times age. But then again is it really times emotion? What if it was a negative emotion, would you times a negative number? Divide? What about background and personality. And what changes? Emotion, outlook, knowledge?
But then you ask the good question. It was really your first question but you dismissed it because it wasn’t relevant. It could be added in later. But it is actually the best question to ask. How many times a day to we change?
I asked a friend how many times a day, on average, does she experience an average change; not a life altering change, but one to notice. After deliberation she forced the answer 1 or 2 times a day, but was quick to defend that each day is different and that she doesn’t always think about it because she is busy. It was an unfair question.
The truth is we change infinite times day. We are in a constant stage of change. Location, position, mind set, amount of hair follicles, the list goes on. Each word you read equals a change in your perception, granted a small if not miniscule change. Changes are the subtleness of life. In fact I present to you:
If we constantly change during life,
And we are constantly alive during life
Then being alive=changing.
This sounds flawed, but if you replace change with anything else we constantly do while having life it will work (i.e breathing, feeling, etc.) So Change essentially equals life. It is impossible to live and not to change. And because we are constantly changing we change so much that it is essentially unmeasurable. Therefore change cannot be determined by formula, change is a constant. Delta. People much smarter than me have already figured that out.
But if this is true, then why do feel change, especially after an important moment. Well most of the time we feel change because we look back. It’s a reflection. Just as when you walk you may not realize how far up the hill you are until you look down. But how can we say we are so much different now than we were a second ago?
I’d like to argue that we can’t. Change is a constant. The moments where we think we have changed the most, we actually have just changed the same amount as we always do. One thing that changed during that change was perception. Because it was a ground breaking event, our system got shocked. And that split second forced us to reanalyze ourselves , and figure out what we know and what is different. How often do we do that? Its only in the moments that we need to, that we consider quick changes. If I stopped life for a minute and reevaluated things after every breath, I would notice a lot of changes. And every time they would be different and set off infinite other changes, and if I was diligent and persevering and considered all of those changes and so on, I would blow my mind out more than a “life altering event.” Meaning an average second change can be more significant than a seemingly life altering one. In fact, what we are really talking about when we talk about change, we are talking about the realization that something is different, that we have grown or fallen from where we were before.
This is what scares people. Not change, but rather realizing they have. There seems to be a natural order in that there is an order and not chaos. Chaos by definition is hard to comprehend. But order makes sense. So we delude ourselves into constants. We set routines, we have favorites, we have structure. While we all know these are susceptible to change, we like to think they will last as long as we want them to. If a constant is broken when we aren’t ready or not willing to accept, such as the death of a loved one, we have to reevaluate what “constants” we still have. That is what’s scary. It is an acceptance of lack of control, lack of knowledge, lack of awareness. We feel helpless and insecure. But wait a minute:
If change equals life
And life ends into death
Then death ends change.
But we do keep on changing after we die. Whether you believe in an afterlife or if that your body just rots in the ground, something is changing constantly. Change is a constant like time is a constant. It extends to infinity. What death ends is the moment of reflection. Which is true unless you have absolutely no doubt that there is an afterlife, which personally I find hard to believe. Maybe it’s just because I’m Jewish, but I find it hard to believe there is never even an ounce of doubt. Once we die, we can never realize change.
Which is why I am afraid of death. It is my biggest fear, and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get any closer to passing it. But now at least I understand it. I live for reflection. It is my number 2 on my existential list. (If you want to know, ask and I’ll tell) I need to see that I’ve changed. There are certain things about me that I really don’t like. And the thought that I will never knowingly correct those things about me is my real fear. In order to be at peace with death, one has to love oneself. Its why so many suicidal people, can’t go through with attempts, because they don’t love themselves. Those that do end their lives, have a strong hope that things will be different. Peace. I on the other hand fear the worst, more of the same forever.
So when you walk on by me thank you not for that moment but the moment that follows. Thank you for making me think, to reevaluate where I stand. Thank you for making me feel alive.
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