Engaged

It's taken me three days and several hours at the office this afternoon to write this.

This morning, as I left downtown Burlingame, I wrote to a lover, "God loves me!" How often I truly believe this, I'm not sure. Somewhere, it feels like if I really believe God a) exists, b) loves me, that I'd always be loved, that I'd be capable to love and be loved.

Sappy, right?

But it's not always love that I struggle with - it's trust. Three days ago, a friend looked at me squarely in the face, and asked if I trust him to always speak truth to me. I was expressing my ongoing relationship with guilt, and the guilt of burdening others with my emotions. He asked if I would trust him enough to allow him to tell me when and if I was burdening him.

I've thought about this. Deeply.

I can't trust everyone to carry my emotions, and I certainly can't trust everyone to tell me to stop when they can't take me anymore. However, there is no room anymore in me to withhold. I've come to a juncture of enormous revelations - one being that I need to express fully, and all of myself, my entire range of experience - and I need others, in any way or connection, to fulfill that. Furthermore, I cannot and will not connect without laying myself bare to be open, and completely vulnerable to the connection and the people I care for and love.

It was in that instance, that I felt my friend's comfort and his availability. I felt it last night, walking stiffly downtown in the rain, when I felt my vulnerability penetrated by someone that I grew attached to, opened to, and the hurt was immense. It was also in that instance, that I could feel inside me the maturity of my friend's growth and journey to acceptance of his very own feeling - something that I'm still struggling to attain. As I write this, my heart swells with pride and much love for this friend, and although my fear of attachment prevents me from telling him directly, I hope he feels this, feels my happiness for him, and a hope for myself, seeing what he has been working on. My steps to overcome fear has been minuscule, but seeing his climb to openness, even in the act of being open to my sadness on a day that he woke up in darkness, has gripped me strongly these last couple of days.

A fond remembrance.