I stood in the kitchen, and I was very aware that I taste like some animal took a shit in my mouth.
So I sliced up some tofu and mushrooms and as soon as I put that over rice, I had no desire for it.
So I shook out some granola and fruit and as soon as I poured milk in the bowl, I had no desire for it.
I took my food outside and reclined in the red hammock, and then I started to let thought flow freely.
I think it came out earlier, but I had restraints on what I was Suppose to feel.
In fact, I was so mechanical about it, I remember tailing a car at 85 mph,
subconsciously memorizing the glimmer-blue Honda Pilot's license plate (CA 8Y11077).
(I can't remember what model it is. That's secondary. The year of its make was 2009 though.)
Eventually, the driver angrily pulled over the next lane, but confused,
I slowed down to 70 until the car behind me gave up driving in my lane.
I think I sped up again. I got home in Los Gatos in 35 minutes.
I sat in the hammock, wanting to eat, but wanting neither my tofu or my cereal,
and decided that it was best to record what is coming up for me.
As painful as this may seem within the experience,
the meta approach is thoroughly enjoyable.
I write for an audience, and my audience is specific,
and it's best to introduce my audience members to each other:
Bryan (and hopefully Courtenay), meet the people who watch me all of the time,
(they are usually behind glass windows and they sometimes provoke what happens to me),
and meet Humanity of the Future, literary scavengers of the 22nd century who document works
from this blossoming Internet age, documenting these little blog entries that are defining
the Consciousness of this One Girl's Era (The Last Years on a Human-Sustaining Earth).
Last night I felt so much - at some points, I let them become me, and others, I hid.
There were a dozen times during the party when I wanted to get in my car and say,
I don't need this. I am fatigued and unhappy and this isn't MY kind of party.
But what was stronger, and a part of what kept me there, is knowing that regret will follow above action.
Also - what IS my kind of party? Do I party? Do I even enjoy anything?
With or without others - maybe ever? Am I capable of enjoying?
The rising fear of change into possible stagnancy sends my extremist feeler self into spastic alert.
All of those little life-questioning, self-identifying puzzles throw themselves in my way.
Excuse me! Pardon me! What do you think you're doing?
I'm doing what's best for me! For maybe... the first time in my life!
Quitting theatre?! And then what will you do? Who are you without theatre and busywork?
Well... er... that's something I'm just going to have to work out.
That's reassuring. Sounds like a first-rate plan.
It's not, but it doesn't help that you're here making me feel pretty damn insecure about it.
Frankly, who would you be without my Voice of Devastating Reality?
Free of fear!
Yes, and without that fear, you'd be open to -
More hurt. But I want to hurt. I rather be open to feeling Everything, including hurt, please just let me.
I challenge you to rid me.
You don't serve me. I am seeking happiness, and you are in my way.
I watched myself hide. I sought out attention, but when I received it, I refused it.
I was attracted to people who I could co-feel with, those who could relate to me.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to sit with you for so long, Bryan;
you don't relate with me, and you don't offer the expression for me to relate with you.
The kind that feels dark and lonely and passionate and deep.
I always get this feeling that I approach you because I need to be saved from something,
but that's heart-wrenching and disappointing. I just want us to feel together.
It's so clear to me now that I want to feel you so much closer.
I'm not trying as hard as I used to to shake that out of relationships.
Meisner has taught me that what I have is enough, and if that Enough
is growing deepening grooves for us to relate with and to Love by,
that is true and simple happiness that I never thought I had deserved.
Also, I've never met a man who I will allow to meet me dead center with relating.
I feel like I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would be able to.
The best co-feeling experience recently that I've had has been with Lucy,
and I know that 85% is because she is a woman and we feel as One.
No comments:
Post a Comment