On the Line

I didn't like the way that he deferred from my depression by trying to relate me to Courtenay's current experience. He may have thought that I wanted to relate to someone in that dark place, especially to someone to whom I am fond of. But not like this. In fact, I despise it. I hate him for not giving me the attention I wanted, and I hated her in that moment for being another focus that isn't me. He took that away from me - these cycles of darkness belong to me.

I think that I can't fully accept what I have because I'm always trying to match his lack of attachment. When he told me that he purged my pain during his ayahuasca journey, my only thought was that he must have been trying to open his heart to all of his girls, instead of "my God, he feels me!" The latter appreciation came later. Even only a minute later, it wasn't the only thing came up. That survival-kick always entered first. I'm triggered by pain in the moment instead of appreciating what I am given. No matter what his intentions are or how he relates to me - I diminish myself in how I see him perceive me. Not in a self-image way... but how much he values me, placing me in some sort of hierarchy of significance in his life. That might not exist. Because I know that I feel for him much more than he feels for me. So I always imagine that his words hold nothing, nothing lasting, nothing deep. I falter recognizing this, and I try so hard to feel what isn't true - that I don't care so much, that I'm open to experience. Since entering the relationship, I've been trying to take in all that is good and ignoring what hurts me. I wanted to be able to love without fear, but I've done the opposite of that. I wanted to be closer to him while being close with Courtenay, and be open to loving others. That's still not the case! I resent him and his other lovers. I close myself off in a tainted protective layer. This isn't real. This isn't me. Unattached love feels foreign and not enough. I can't always fear love like this - I Feel So Much. And by muting my love for Bryan, I can't even love myself. This isn't... fair. I feel like a Fool.

Even now, I'm feeling so much more around this than he will ever feel.

I can't even love Courtenay fully because I know that there's an unspoken part of her that truly wants Bryan too. She told me one night, "so he'll go date another one, and there will be more sharing and less of him that I'll see."

My God, she's right! There's that loving part of me that connected to her deeply because of her want. And there are deeper parts where I have already felt and acknowledged about Bryan that I know will hurt her. Can I be vulnerable enough to show this to Courtenay? To Bryan?

I can't understand why I have exposed my raw tenderness to expected pain. I can't understand if I truly love them too much to let go, or that I am addicted to the hurt.

Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave
My heart into my mouth.

I hate being a jealous psychopath. I hate having to meter out my emotions, manipulative, insane. I hate that I'm so vulnerable, and I don't feel closer to Bryan every time I leave myself open like that. Just vulnerable and alone. I can't feel closer to anyone, and I feel like a child when I give myself in to feeling closer to others. Vulnerable and alone. I'm tired of... holding back. I've practiced my longing so hard, I'm a champion at Heart Burstin'. I'm tired of my feelings exposed without return, whichever that I express. I'm so hurt thinking that this is love. I don't know how to see through this. I don't know how to let go. I don't know if I can let go. Or that I want to.

I'm not thick-skinned. I'm not strong enough. I'm finally just... feeling.

Thank God.