Creating This Role

Last night, I discovered another defense technique that I harbor. Although I pride myself in being open, expressive, and filled with energy that can be perceived as expansive and free, I am a terrible, terrible listener. And I don't mean that I don't listen - I do - I just take everything in and flounder in my head as my partner communicates to me. I don't paraphrase, I don't attempt to expand the conversation, comment, criticize, react because I'm so lost in my thoughts in relation to their message - I don't truly listen. And in some sense, I don't think I truly let others affect me either; I mute whatever emotional charge or impact that I may normally feel as a defense mechanism. I no longer let myself feel to a certain degree. In fact, I think I feel more towards something as trivial as a friend lamenting over the weather, and lesser towards a lover enjoying a moment or serious conversation that requires my involvement. I don't compliment or criticize friends and partners, because I feel my judgment will turn judgment towards me, and it's a trust that I reserve for very, very noncritical companions. Above else, I fear an attention towards me that is critical, especially negative. There is no way anyone can get close to me if I'm so closed that I can't even give my opinion of them. This revelation is as frightful as my fear of women.

I find this so strange because I am usually departing judgment on pieces of art, theatre, writing, and the like. When it comes to another human being, it is so easy for me to shut off. This might stem from my mother knot - Mom is hypercritical of me - from my weight, physical attributes, thoughts and words and ideas that I say, the way I express, the way that I walk, the time that I spend - literally everything. I find myself compensating for my mother's behaviour before; I'm wondering if I withhold judgment of other people because I fear her loneliness and lack of social attachments. That in my everlasting endeavor to win her favour, I have continued said endeavors in the world of other social circles - forever emoting excitable nervous energy to evoke feelings of mutual compatibility, when really it's a smoldering fear of judgment lying underneath.

Ugh, this is so disconcerting. I was raised defined by fear, and it's a lifetime's work to undo the child - to reach this fearlessness that I desire so much. One day, when I am surprised at momentarily falling into my head, I will naturally grapple onto my outgoing presence, and I will be beautiful. But until then, I will fear my fear, and write blogs to myself, and articulate poorly the ways that I am limited.