Receptor Antagonist

What is the shape of my attachment?

In its simplest definition, it is an emotional bond between human individuals.

I can easily give in to fear around what I feel as my attachment.
Anxiety of separation.
Fear of abandonment.
The person's availability to give me affirmations about myself.
***new as of 06/02/2010*** The person's availability to open themselves as deeply as I've open to them, or opening as a result of my earnest behaviour.

I develop attachment when I care deeply about another individual and how they perceive and receive me. I have a fear concerning my attachment creating inauthentic relationships, as well as its harmful effects on me when I don't receive the attention I desire. Because I have so much fear about developing attachment, I withdraw myself from individuals who are willing to commit to developing intimacy and fostering a connection with me. In order to not be contained by my fear, I am in search of rooting out the nature of my attachment, and my proactive behaviour to prevent it.

In partnerships, I am the aggressor. I like the sense of being in control; I actively bring myself into a relationship, and I actively end it when my above fears around attachment are provoked. This is not always the case, and I am hurting - and healing from the relationships where I have lost this "sense" of control. In many friendships and lovers, I become detached, reserved, and even seized up by the fear of attachment, and instead focus too much of my attention to on myself, losing opportunities for connectivity and thriving adult relationships. The moment that I feel a longing for attachment, I corner myself in my heart, and lose the intimacy with my friend or partner. I don't want them to react adversely to my attachment to our connection.

Recently, I've been told that I'm approaching attachment in the most difficult way. That I've been resisting it. If I have attachment out of seeking validation, my friend told me, then let it fill me up. Accept the urge to drink and fill the void in which I desire from my friend or partner. And as I receive this, give in to my attachment, and give in to receiving and loving this other individual. Eventually, I will have the substance (of validation) to realize my own confidence and self-love while cultivating my relationship with the other individual who I otherwise would have pushed away. That is, if I am completely aware - and accept - that this is my attachment.

When he told me this, a distinct memory stayed with me. After a difficult break-up, I would find the impulse to take long drives in the night to move the energy of my sadness. The deeper impulse would ensue: I would drive by the home of my ex. It was not out of the want of knowing if he was home, or that I'd hope to run into him. It was a driving need to have an awareness of his presence, and though in my gut, I thought about how wrong and insane and "attached" it was, I allowed myself to do it, night after night for months. After some time, the desire sloughed off, as well as the sadness for his absence. I filled up the vacuum with a harmless (but gas-consuming) attachment.

I'm realizing more that with every connection and developing relationship that I would have attachment, especially if I care for the other person, and grow with them. I just need to understand that there's an acceptance for this, as well as an awareness of the separation of truthful love and self-validation. If I can fully let go of the shame (immense back story for this), then I can walk into intimate space without fear.